I was going to write about how much of a struggle the past few months have been leading up to year thirty. Then I saw another hashtag, another name of someone with brown skin being brutally murdered. There are a mix of emotions that I feel and I can't really put them into words. I feel angry because there are people who can get away with murder just because they have white skin. I feel frustrated because although there are so many things going on in this world that are unfair and unjust, I still feel a way about events that have transpired in my own life. I feel tired, because I am just tired of seeing loss and grief within my community; as if the way COVID has swept so many black and brown people wasn't enough. It's ALOT.
So what do we do when we are overwhelmed with emotion. We don't suppress them, we allow ourselves to feel them. I'm letting myself feel all of them. If I want to cry I will. If I want to call a friend I will. If I want to sit in silence, I'll do that too. Right now I choose to write.
Since I'm writing about how I feel and I'm choosing to celebrate my life in the midst of chaos, I want to be honest and tell you what entering year 30 feels like:
It feels like Transition - I'm in a space where I have grown from poor thinking habits but I'm not all the way there yet. I'm being pulled to higher because of where The Most High is taking me, and I have to let some things go.
It feels like Wonder - Wonder means "a feeling of surprise mingled with admiration, caused by something beautiful, unexpected, unfamiliar, or inexplicable." I'm in unfamiliar territory but I'm excited to see what the next decade holds.
It feels like Grace - Oh thank The Most High for grace! I feel kept! There are so many situations that could have taken my peace of mind or my life, and I feel favored to be here...in this space.
It feels like Confidence - I have struggled with self-confidence for years. It started in high school. The negative words that some people planted, I watered and I allowed it to bloom into thoughts. I have wallowed in the thought of not being enough, I have cried countless tears wondering, "what is wrong with me?" because I felt overlooked and unseen. Not anymore, I am walking into the fullness of everything that I was called to be.
It feels like Growth - Sometimes growth hurts but it is necessary. I didn't always choose to walk in wisdom and discernment, but I choose to now.
Most importantly, it feels like Gratitude - I. AM. ALIVE. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you to the Great I AM. I, personally, can get so caught up in MY world that I negate ALL of the pure blessings He has poured into my life. I'm healthy, I'm employed and in a career I love, I have an amazing village, I am loved, I'm building a brand, and the list goes on! I am grateful that in the midst of everything that goes on in this world, I am here.
As I enter into this new decade, I am not only thinking of myself, but truly the lives of others. I'm going to do my best to reach who I can, love harder, walk in purpose, and practice what I preach (what I tell my clients lol). I’m going to take it one day at a time. I’m going to live. ❤